I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
