How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
