How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
