Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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