I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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