I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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