I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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