At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
