Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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