also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
