Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
