we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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