I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
