OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
