I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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