I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
