so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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