so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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