You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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