I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
