I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
