I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
