do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
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