remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
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He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
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The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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