I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
