My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
