I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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