Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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