im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
