mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Randomize
