so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
