Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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