I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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