FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
How does it feel to date your dad?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
