I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
