I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
