so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
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Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
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I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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