Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
