remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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