it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
