remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
