..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
