I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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