Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
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we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
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Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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