Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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