I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Randomize
