Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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