I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
