youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
