there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
