Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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