just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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