Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
