I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
why is half of my head shaved?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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