i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
